...

curve

your

eyes

around me

motion my mind in a million ways

and make me believe

that

this

can

exist

hold me inside of my insecurites

place your hands

on the sacred parts of my body

lick my scars and turn them into stories

this

is

our

moment

expose the dirty parts

make me the slut that still believes in mass

confuse what we have established

make this make sense

it isnt deep

hard

long

fast

and slow

you inside of me

no words

just oral exchanges

and fingers in places my mom told me they didnt belong

kisses on my ear lobes

pinches to awake my senses

circles around my nipples

and back up to the lips that speak those words

bend over my reaction

and pull my hair into solitude

let the sweat gather and form tribal tears down my back

surrender me to my knees

i want to get to know you

then you get on yours

and try to remember why you're there

or here

on top of me

palm to neck

squeezing inspiration out of me

locking my arms with yours

hips motioned to move

rock back and forth

or up and down

you

bare and vulnerable

taking what isnt yours

and giving back what was never mine

disattach from the reality we've created

unleash the beast inside your little boy heart

claim your throne

here

in my bed

shaded

soft and subtle

there could be more

but no need

you already know me

and this picture

could never say

a 1000 words

...silence is the best type of noise...

i.
want.
these.

construction workers use them. they are protective hearing headphones- they mute everything.

its simple.

i want to experience life silent sometimes. no music. no words. no bumping horns and angry people. no depressive overheard conversations or unwanted exchanges.

i hear nothing.
i see everything.

thats is enough for me.

...i declare fuck yea...

these days........ its been about tripping as much as possible and believing in the impossible. i have been meeting some of the most beautiful creatures on this planet... in all shapes, sizes, circumstances, and situations. i forgot about this feeling, and its a great feeling.

i find that we go through so many things that sometimes we forget how to just be. well im okay, and a lot of lessons have been learned. i took a moment for silence. no glorious and fabulously acclaimed blogs, no overly inspiring twitter account [well gahdayum please follow me.. retweet everything i say.. you must know about everything i do.. etc.] mystery is key in my book and im quite okay with (you) NOT knowing.

most people feel that their approach must be so bold and bad ass- when truthfully our mere existence is what makes us magnificent. i have been noticing a lot of boasting around me, and its getting played out. im so tired of everything being a competition- life is NOT ABOUT YOUR STATUS. unfortunately im just preaching to the choir on that one. but its like cmon, i have never seen so many wonderfully talented people focus so much on each others lo's instead of motivating each others hi's.

who am i? ive never really felt like i make sense- and i dont care to.

just elevating. smoke sessions in hot tubs. kissing boys and falling in love with men. random bbq's on hazy sundays. im enjoying this new found freedom.. this growing up. shrooming has been a blast and im continuing to open up my 3rd eye whenever i want. im looking at the world differently and allowing life to take me on a thrill ride. im seeing sides of this city that i didnt know exist and im building my home in my heart. im disattaching from YOUR reality and tapping into mine. this is no agape (although the law is supreme!) this is no new found spiritual awakening, this is no sudden epiphany, this is simply the shell starting to crack a little more- and the woman that i am standing her ground a little more.

i see a lot on the horizon and i am excited. different cities every night, more awesome classes and excellent grades, apeshit loads of nu music, in the words of bri "monday night parties", connecting with great people, thrashing in 4 inch's, meeting random girls in fits, and holy celebrations on the beach. all nighters with psychedelics, challenging conversations, movies, falling in and out of love and being ok, exploring and groovy tattoos. showers when i feel like it, playing with a group of 5 year olds on the beach, karaoke bars and wurstkuche, random drives and trips up north, holding hands, amusement parks, dive bars with the boys, manicures and brilliant 4am adventures with the girls. this is about living on edge and being okay with the results. im not afraid, calling me weird is a compliment, and i always smile when i say fuck you :)

this is only the beginning......... feel free to stay tuned.

...on the verge...

of going off.
checking out.
i wish i could be more.
than i am.
help me.
oya.
ogun.
ashu.
crossroads.
lead me somewhere.
i need.
it will be ok.
how long?
im sorry.

...how is it that...

i am somehow able to fall in love with things that i cannot have
but seem to take for granted the things that are given to me
i feel hopeless today
woke up from a night of bliss and hell
all at once
they call it drugs
i call it understanding
they call them vices
i call them comfort
she been on my mind for days now
5 minute exchanges
i treat as if they were hours
and somewhere
between his massages
and thoughts about every wrong in my life
she brings me peace
i feel doubtful today
nothing seems calm
my anxiety wont even allow me
to complete this poem
or answer my phone
shit
look at it for that matter
emergencies could come by the dozens at this moment
and i wouldnt feel moved
i just wish
that i could let it all go
including my heart
give it away with no attachments
be the strength thats hard to find in me
i am weak
never can understand why i wont speak
up
but refuse to be
quiet
i admit
i am too silent
my way of violence
i dont feel like anyone "gets it"
and truthfully im not trying to make them
sssssshhhhh
patience

....complaining or coping????....

"when ur known for ur strength nobody wants to hear u bitch & moan."

as-
miss
jack
davey
says it.

i couldnt have said it better. these days my strength comes far and few in between. im falling in and out of love at a rapid speed with things and people that i cant have right now. my ability to focus is lacking harshly and its turning me into a nobody (as if i ever had to be someone) and i feel so pointless.
the fact that im even saying these things makes me feel like a loser- {{thus my biggest prevention from therapy!}} i HATE to sound like/be like/act like/talk like a complainer- however its super hard for me to cope. coping means acceptance, which isnt THAT big of a deal- but something about me TRULY cannot settle. i feel like i have used my resources while contrary i feel like i have no resources at all. and somewhere within me says i should be tapping into outer things- but im so damn stuck on myself........ and who wants to put up with the girl whose suppose to be "so ahead of her all"?? sometimes i feel like people forget that i have a heart.

[im sure that none of this makes sense and im using extremely bad grammar- please forgive me] moving forward-------------------->

my heart feels a little broken- while on the other hand i dont know if it was ever pieced together properly anyway. i have allowed myself to be vulnerable for someone and for something. lately i have been attempting to transform into a "woman" that i dont know if im cut out to be. my legs have never parted this easily (and im not just speaking sexual here) i just dont allow people to move me as often as id like to.

you know how something overcomes you- your impulse leads your everything- your thoughts are overwhelmed- you notice things that you didnt notice before- you wait for things that you wouldnt normally wait for- you forget to leave up your guard even while attempting to "take a chance" and to "be different"- the basis of it all---- you do EVERYTHING that is completely obsolete of anything that you have done or anything that you would ever do- and all over????? dare we say love? dreams?? passion??? ideas???? creative impulse?????

im out of ways with myself- im just too fucking hardheaded. and sensitive. but not sensitive enough. and needy. but not needy enough. and hurt. but not hurt enough. i practice forgiveness. i practice patience. i practice peace. am i really the one to get upset when i have put myself in these situations?? emoni no one can do anything to you unless you allow them to. (im attempting to capture my brain in 3 seconds) i guess i just need to surrender. and be okay with my mistakes. be okay with (others) mistakes. i want to be mad and spiteful- i want to be greedy and mean- i want to check out of the world. but that would be unfair right?? i dont know. im trying to be everyones bitch- and still have room for me. life seems to work against me but again- i just simply have to cope. whether anyone will listen or not.

it feels better that way. but im starting to feel better when no one knows anything about me at all. to the point they question if i even have emotions- am i even human at all??
hey- who am i kidding- that thought process would have killed this whole vent to begin with. its just not that easy.


but what i do know... is that i am tired... and its damn near 3am. no more sleepless nights.

...3 years...

you could be anything
but different
caught me by surprise
early life crisis
and i
want to return the favor in a million ways
you have saved me
gave me answers
before the questions were formed
overwhelmed my senses
gave me a new reason to get down on my knees
i pray for you
more than i pray for me
and i like it
that way
your energy gives me chills
feels like my first time
at everything
the thought
of you
feels almost as good
if not better
than my own fingers
in my own space
on my own time
but right now
or in 3 years
i dont want anything
on my own
i want
to share my world
with you
and my want
has now become a need
to be your better half
to make you apart of my all
why
you so bad?
you could be anything else
but desirable
anything else
but beauty
to me
stop taunting me
thoughts of you screaming at me
this type of passion
is hard to bare
i
imagine us
all the time
in the place of those lovers i see
walking down my block
arguing in starbucks
or making love
in a public place
visions of your face
embracing my sacred space
and me
on top
on the bottom
whatever
as long
as you're apart of it
you could be
anything else
but you
i have fallen in love
with every bit of it
in such short time
with you're sense humour
your mind
your mine
be mine
i dont know
what else to say
or what else to do
but wait
and be patient
wait for you
i smile at the sound of your voice
just to hear you breathe is enough
i look for your text
and pretend not to sweat them
you
bring out a different side of me
a little girl
that i didnt know existed
you could be anything else
but love
and potential
anything else
but 3 years
worth it all
i could lay in your arms
gaze in your eyes
run my fingers through your locs
be your everything
if i had the chance to
i
could do this
could be always
forever