....complaining or coping????....

"when ur known for ur strength nobody wants to hear u bitch & moan."

as-
miss
jack
davey
says it.

i couldnt have said it better. these days my strength comes far and few in between. im falling in and out of love at a rapid speed with things and people that i cant have right now. my ability to focus is lacking harshly and its turning me into a nobody (as if i ever had to be someone) and i feel so pointless.
the fact that im even saying these things makes me feel like a loser- {{thus my biggest prevention from therapy!}} i HATE to sound like/be like/act like/talk like a complainer- however its super hard for me to cope. coping means acceptance, which isnt THAT big of a deal- but something about me TRULY cannot settle. i feel like i have used my resources while contrary i feel like i have no resources at all. and somewhere within me says i should be tapping into outer things- but im so damn stuck on myself........ and who wants to put up with the girl whose suppose to be "so ahead of her all"?? sometimes i feel like people forget that i have a heart.

[im sure that none of this makes sense and im using extremely bad grammar- please forgive me] moving forward-------------------->

my heart feels a little broken- while on the other hand i dont know if it was ever pieced together properly anyway. i have allowed myself to be vulnerable for someone and for something. lately i have been attempting to transform into a "woman" that i dont know if im cut out to be. my legs have never parted this easily (and im not just speaking sexual here) i just dont allow people to move me as often as id like to.

you know how something overcomes you- your impulse leads your everything- your thoughts are overwhelmed- you notice things that you didnt notice before- you wait for things that you wouldnt normally wait for- you forget to leave up your guard even while attempting to "take a chance" and to "be different"- the basis of it all---- you do EVERYTHING that is completely obsolete of anything that you have done or anything that you would ever do- and all over????? dare we say love? dreams?? passion??? ideas???? creative impulse?????

im out of ways with myself- im just too fucking hardheaded. and sensitive. but not sensitive enough. and needy. but not needy enough. and hurt. but not hurt enough. i practice forgiveness. i practice patience. i practice peace. am i really the one to get upset when i have put myself in these situations?? emoni no one can do anything to you unless you allow them to. (im attempting to capture my brain in 3 seconds) i guess i just need to surrender. and be okay with my mistakes. be okay with (others) mistakes. i want to be mad and spiteful- i want to be greedy and mean- i want to check out of the world. but that would be unfair right?? i dont know. im trying to be everyones bitch- and still have room for me. life seems to work against me but again- i just simply have to cope. whether anyone will listen or not.

it feels better that way. but im starting to feel better when no one knows anything about me at all. to the point they question if i even have emotions- am i even human at all??
hey- who am i kidding- that thought process would have killed this whole vent to begin with. its just not that easy.


but what i do know... is that i am tired... and its damn near 3am. no more sleepless nights.