...on the verge...

of going off.
checking out.
i wish i could be more.
than i am.
help me.
oya.
ogun.
ashu.
crossroads.
lead me somewhere.
i need.
it will be ok.
how long?
im sorry.

...how is it that...

i am somehow able to fall in love with things that i cannot have
but seem to take for granted the things that are given to me
i feel hopeless today
woke up from a night of bliss and hell
all at once
they call it drugs
i call it understanding
they call them vices
i call them comfort
she been on my mind for days now
5 minute exchanges
i treat as if they were hours
and somewhere
between his massages
and thoughts about every wrong in my life
she brings me peace
i feel doubtful today
nothing seems calm
my anxiety wont even allow me
to complete this poem
or answer my phone
shit
look at it for that matter
emergencies could come by the dozens at this moment
and i wouldnt feel moved
i just wish
that i could let it all go
including my heart
give it away with no attachments
be the strength thats hard to find in me
i am weak
never can understand why i wont speak
up
but refuse to be
quiet
i admit
i am too silent
my way of violence
i dont feel like anyone "gets it"
and truthfully im not trying to make them
sssssshhhhh
patience

....complaining or coping????....

"when ur known for ur strength nobody wants to hear u bitch & moan."

as-
miss
jack
davey
says it.

i couldnt have said it better. these days my strength comes far and few in between. im falling in and out of love at a rapid speed with things and people that i cant have right now. my ability to focus is lacking harshly and its turning me into a nobody (as if i ever had to be someone) and i feel so pointless.
the fact that im even saying these things makes me feel like a loser- {{thus my biggest prevention from therapy!}} i HATE to sound like/be like/act like/talk like a complainer- however its super hard for me to cope. coping means acceptance, which isnt THAT big of a deal- but something about me TRULY cannot settle. i feel like i have used my resources while contrary i feel like i have no resources at all. and somewhere within me says i should be tapping into outer things- but im so damn stuck on myself........ and who wants to put up with the girl whose suppose to be "so ahead of her all"?? sometimes i feel like people forget that i have a heart.

[im sure that none of this makes sense and im using extremely bad grammar- please forgive me] moving forward-------------------->

my heart feels a little broken- while on the other hand i dont know if it was ever pieced together properly anyway. i have allowed myself to be vulnerable for someone and for something. lately i have been attempting to transform into a "woman" that i dont know if im cut out to be. my legs have never parted this easily (and im not just speaking sexual here) i just dont allow people to move me as often as id like to.

you know how something overcomes you- your impulse leads your everything- your thoughts are overwhelmed- you notice things that you didnt notice before- you wait for things that you wouldnt normally wait for- you forget to leave up your guard even while attempting to "take a chance" and to "be different"- the basis of it all---- you do EVERYTHING that is completely obsolete of anything that you have done or anything that you would ever do- and all over????? dare we say love? dreams?? passion??? ideas???? creative impulse?????

im out of ways with myself- im just too fucking hardheaded. and sensitive. but not sensitive enough. and needy. but not needy enough. and hurt. but not hurt enough. i practice forgiveness. i practice patience. i practice peace. am i really the one to get upset when i have put myself in these situations?? emoni no one can do anything to you unless you allow them to. (im attempting to capture my brain in 3 seconds) i guess i just need to surrender. and be okay with my mistakes. be okay with (others) mistakes. i want to be mad and spiteful- i want to be greedy and mean- i want to check out of the world. but that would be unfair right?? i dont know. im trying to be everyones bitch- and still have room for me. life seems to work against me but again- i just simply have to cope. whether anyone will listen or not.

it feels better that way. but im starting to feel better when no one knows anything about me at all. to the point they question if i even have emotions- am i even human at all??
hey- who am i kidding- that thought process would have killed this whole vent to begin with. its just not that easy.


but what i do know... is that i am tired... and its damn near 3am. no more sleepless nights.

...3 years...

you could be anything
but different
caught me by surprise
early life crisis
and i
want to return the favor in a million ways
you have saved me
gave me answers
before the questions were formed
overwhelmed my senses
gave me a new reason to get down on my knees
i pray for you
more than i pray for me
and i like it
that way
your energy gives me chills
feels like my first time
at everything
the thought
of you
feels almost as good
if not better
than my own fingers
in my own space
on my own time
but right now
or in 3 years
i dont want anything
on my own
i want
to share my world
with you
and my want
has now become a need
to be your better half
to make you apart of my all
why
you so bad?
you could be anything else
but desirable
anything else
but beauty
to me
stop taunting me
thoughts of you screaming at me
this type of passion
is hard to bare
i
imagine us
all the time
in the place of those lovers i see
walking down my block
arguing in starbucks
or making love
in a public place
visions of your face
embracing my sacred space
and me
on top
on the bottom
whatever
as long
as you're apart of it
you could be
anything else
but you
i have fallen in love
with every bit of it
in such short time
with you're sense humour
your mind
your mine
be mine
i dont know
what else to say
or what else to do
but wait
and be patient
wait for you
i smile at the sound of your voice
just to hear you breathe is enough
i look for your text
and pretend not to sweat them
you
bring out a different side of me
a little girl
that i didnt know existed
you could be anything else
but love
and potential
anything else
but 3 years
worth it all
i could lay in your arms
gaze in your eyes
run my fingers through your locs
be your everything
if i had the chance to
i
could do this
could be always
forever

...shapes....

slow exhale

heart goes back to normal

hair stretched across my face

sweat holding it in one place

no energy to move it

just lay

here

and close my eyes

pretend not to

watch you recover

but i do

our bodies are still

as the ac chases away the heat

that rest between my thighs

and the mist of pleasure

that lingers above your bed

i told you gemini's dont submit

but last night you proved me wrong

managed to raise fear out of me

rewire the nerve system in my back

you moved me

threw me up against those same surface

he use to throw me against

except with you

i liked the impact

you turned those hopeless spaces

into endless possibilities

made your palm a bed for my neck

squeezed the right amount of life out of me

fucked me numb

forever

engaged

shaking

screaming

squirming

motioned me enough

just enough

to lose all of my senses

and regain them within seconds

last night

we enlightened the neighbors

on just how good it can get

and how sad it can be

you were my eclipse

covered my body like shade

shielded me from the world

then gave it to me

forced me to feel love

chained me with your control

cradled me in your arms

brought back that missing piece of childhood

you gave me everything

and nothing

a future

a past

a memory

a moment

a something

a perfect

imperfection

...hanina...

he stood at the front of the bed

bare

allowing mild refelections to shine

on the penumbra of secrets he held

we are south of heaven

he chanted

told me to close my eyes and pray

lay still as he called out all 100 names of 'god'

ending with allah7..... confusing the letters

for numbers

and in the middle of my tears

he got down on one knee and kissed my feet

told me i'd been walking alone for way too long

massive waves began to move in my ocean

i became wet

he told me that he could never give me love

but he could give me him....just like that me'shell song

and so i let go

kisses became longer

moving me with every second

i quiver

he stopped to connect his eyes with mine

to see how down for change i truly was

i could see his soul

i could feel his uniqueness becoming trapped

boxed in a sense

so i released myself again ----- i made that man

love him

and love me even more

i let him have mehave all of me....--- and with that we made...

----.....something

i cant recall the ingredients

i was just nervous... and hormonal... and

confused

i was there

i could feel all the pressure from being this girl that i am

become rage -----

we roc

mountains move

someone will bow down to us

we move

rock steady rhythm

we move

i hear his heart beat - beat - boom - beat - box

like ill nice and nasty

i became his b-gyrl ... his servant...... his hip-hop

and we dont stop

he became my jazz... my rhythm.. blues.. and

life

my song

i rip tracks for him - on some real shit

yea that good shit

but shit..... SSSSSSHHHHH

his hand placed over my mouth - suffocated

screams

no foreplay / adolescent thoughts / very

immature teenage moments

just sex

raw

dirty

painful

feelings

nothing

but alot

our bodies collide - we form a mist

like two cars

like a scorpio and a gemini

when nither of them can decide when to give up

our shadows play games on the wall

we both try to ignore them

my moans become louder

his strokes become more

intimidating ///////// IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII dont

know how to handle this ////// a climax

reached

that point where reality meets fantasy

i lay

he smiles

i cry

i scream

he begs me to release more

THIS IS ALMOST LOVE

JUST COME A LITTLE CLOSER

push me off the edge a little faster baby

give me more save me

take me places

remind me that we are 93 million miles apart

because i refuse for you to break it

when i just gave you my heart

look i know this consolidation is scary

and your diction has an ego

but im not touching you out of desperation

we speak so silently

and beg for forgiveness

our reality cant be filtered under just any 'ole

conditions

my nails are planted deep into his skin

karma sutra festival

and with every lifetime of orgasim

a new self is birthed

needy ..........so damn needy

and wanty

he pulls my hair torture style

reminds me of the pain that i am just too comfortable with

bites my lips and tells me to love it

we are warriors

but our love is not war

we are simply just fucking in the midst of it

deep kisses - scratches chokes and moans

he demands me to look at him

my god - MY GOD - my god - MY GOD - my god - MY GOD - my god - MY GOD - my god - mY GoD - my god - MY GOD - MY GOD - MY GOD

same but different

this

feels

so

damn

goOd

and at this point... i am afraid to stop

DEEPER - HARDER - SLOWER - DEEPER - FASTER - WAIT -KEEP GOINGSHIT - DEEPER - HARDER - SLOWER - FASTER

PLEASE STOP

the feeling of good is not one that im too familiar with

but he goes

and it feels righteous

it feels like the right touch - the right drug -

the perfect addiction

he implores me to submit

release my cuts into his skin

solid deep

cry my tears on his chest

place my fears on his flesh

just let him god me and love me godly

let him take care of the rest -

but im too afraid of that

doesn't seem like the bliss last

when his hands arent under my dress

nurturing the nest

properly mic check

understanding the cause before the effect

of course not though

this is JUST.....................................................................sex

i am engaged in his all

i want to marry this disturbed erotica

and with that.... he turns me over

for what seems like centuries

i just lay silent

and beg to understand the pain

before it gets to me

...another her...

w e

e m o t i o n a l i n d a r k n e s s

3 i n c h e s a w a y f r o m f o r e v e r

s o c l o s e t o g a y

b u t n o t c l o s e

en o u g h

h e r i n s e c u r i t i e s

b l o c k t h a t p o s s i b i l i t y

a n d i d o n t t h i n k i c o u l d e v e r

b e t h a t b o l d

i n t h i s s k i n

m y f a c e t o w a l l

h e r b r e a s t t o b a c k

t h e c o l d b e t w e e n u s

c o u l d m a k e w i n t e r j e a l o u s

s h e s a y s h e n e e d s m e

i t e l l h e r

i n e e d m e t o

h e r h a n d s l o c k w i t h m i n e

s o f t b r e a t h s

o n t h e b a c k o f m y n e c k

'i ' v e n e v e r d o n e t h i s'

'a n d i d o n t k n o w i f i a m r e a d y f o r t h i s'

s h e t u r n s m e o v e r

h e r h a n d s f e e l l i k e h i s
c o l d - r o u g h - a n d h u r t

s h e s o n t o p n o w

t h e w e i g h t o f h e r f e e l s

h e a v i e r t h a n t h e w o r l d

h e r f i n g e r t i p s

b r e a k t h e u n e a s y s p a c e

t h e n e r v o u s n e s s a p p e a r s

y o u s e e

'i m n o t g a y'
i t e l l h e r

s h e t e l l s m e t h e s a m e

a n d w i t h t h a t

o u r w o r d s b e g i n t o f a d e

l e s s t a l k a n d m o r e w a l k

w h a t w e ' v e a l w a y s b e e n a b o u t

h e r l i p s d a n c e w i t h m i n e

m a k e t h e i r w a y

u p a n d d o w n m y b o d y

i p l a y t h e d a n c e f l o o r

s h e s a l s a ' s

'm y c h i c a' i c a l l h e r

c u b a n b e a u t y

i f e e l h e r p a i n

t e a r s b e g ' n t o f a l l

s h e t e l l s m e t h a t

s h e s e e ' s l i f e i n m e

a n d h a v e a l w a y s w a n t e d
t o t a s t e i t

a n d s o i l e t h e r

a n d i w i l l n e v e r f o r g e t

t h a t

f e e l i n g


t h e b l i s s s h e t o o k m e t o

a n d t h e f e a r s

s h e h e l p e d m e o v e r c o m e

t h e f e w w o r d s t h a t s e e m e d

l i k e s o m u c h m o r e

i k n o w

t h a t w e

w i l l d o t h i s a g a i n

b u t u n t i l t h e n

i a m s i m p l y f r e e

a n d s e x w i t h h e r

i s j u s t a n o t h e r w a y

o f r e m e m b e r i n g t h a t

t h e r e a r e n o l i m i t a t i o n s

t o f r e e d o m

...oh what to say...

sometimes

they say

well they

as in my elders

say its good

to be quiet

sit still

observe

let things be

and today

i have learned

feeling like i really earned

my own identity

i wish for better days

forgetting what everyone else says

i live this life for me

and they can never control my brain

no one else has to represent my name

but back to the focus of this poem

and what it really should be about

...the come down...

you haunt me

in every way

shape

and form

im still trynna figure out how we got here

but its like you wont leave me alone

i was 12 years old that day we first met

putting that rope to my neck

hoping my problems it would correct

but it didnt

and now im sitting

praying to god that maybe he'll cleanse my spirit

prayin everyday

feelin like maybe he dont hear 'em

most dont understand why

smile as much as i can

but they aint never felt my lows

parents dont understand

nobody understands

yet they say hold on

and im like fuck that man

id rather be in another place

wear a different face

feel like

something

else

needing

a little help

but its just so damn hard to ask for

maybe theres something more

beyond these walls

beyond these destructive thoughts

maybe there's a heaven on earth

but i dont know

but what i do know is that

is that right now

im pretty over everything

and i dont care

to find the cure