...how is it that...

i am somehow able to fall in love with things that i cannot have
but seem to take for granted the things that are given to me
i feel hopeless today
woke up from a night of bliss and hell
all at once
they call it drugs
i call it understanding
they call them vices
i call them comfort
she been on my mind for days now
5 minute exchanges
i treat as if they were hours
and somewhere
between his massages
and thoughts about every wrong in my life
she brings me peace
i feel doubtful today
nothing seems calm
my anxiety wont even allow me
to complete this poem
or answer my phone
shit
look at it for that matter
emergencies could come by the dozens at this moment
and i wouldnt feel moved
i just wish
that i could let it all go
including my heart
give it away with no attachments
be the strength thats hard to find in me
i am weak
never can understand why i wont speak
up
but refuse to be
quiet
i admit
i am too silent
my way of violence
i dont feel like anyone "gets it"
and truthfully im not trying to make them
sssssshhhhh
patience